Der UBER Spackerhorn
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Der UBER Spackerhorn
Origins
Amongst the grand panoply of ASCUK's spacker-baiting arsenal, Der UBER Spackerhorn (or "Hornen" pictured above) is one of the greatest; second only to The Spacktardis. The "big brother" of the infamous Spackerhorn (the creation of ASCUK site owner and webmaster Fluffy), Der UBER Spackerhorn was created for the specific purpose of highlighting behaviour above and beyond the call of spackery. Whilst the Spackerhorn can be used almost casually for behaviour worthy of ridicule, the sounding of the great horn is a dire portent of froth, and the clarion-call for true mongery. As with The Spacktardis, Der UBER Spackerhorn probably began life as a concept emerging from regular forum badinage, but as with all such phenomena, it was quickly given form - one which would become instantly recognizable.
Characteristics
The most prominent aspect of Der UBER Spackerhorn is the visage of Mr. Joey Deacon; undoubtedly one of the greatest figures of the twentieth century, rivalling Churchill, John F. Kennedy, and Martin Luther King. Whilst the Spackerhorn utilised the latest GIF technology to animate Joey's countenance in an accurate parody of the gentleman's own erratic movements, in Der UBER Spackerhorn it appears still and grimly resolute - perched atop a rocky crag jutting from the sea. This cliff-side setting is both the location for the horn itself, and a compelling metaphor for ASCUK's relentless struggle against forum-based mongery; the sea representing the uncharted leagues of unbridled mongery crashing against the cliff top bastions of the forum's ISP trackers and anti spambot software. Refusing to be submerged by the frothing flood, ASCUK stands as a diametric opposite to the long submerged pseudo-Atlantis of Mickey'z, forever consigned to the unfathomable depths of spackery.
Der Uber Spackerhorn itself is parodied as a nautical foghorn, an extraordinarily loud instrument of warning intended to prevent ships from straying near to cliffs, reefs, or sandbanks. Just as the foghorn's purpose is to warn of potential disaster, Der UBER Spackerhorn signals impending doom, or worse, a calamity actually taking place. Once sounded, the air of quiet dignity surrounding Joey's unmoving face is at once broken by the cacophony of MLAR emitted from the horn's cavernous funnel. The Deacon has spoken, the spacker has been baited, the die is cast.
Application and Rites of Invocation
As has been indicated, Der UBER Spackerhorn is only usually sounded in times of great danger, or simply when someone has acted like a complete mong. These are situations when the Spackerhorn just simply isn't sufficient to convey the extent of the faux-pas which has been committed - incidents rare in nature indeed. Consequently, Der UBER Spackerhorn has a specific position in the pantheon of baiting; above the Spackerhorn in terms of its potency, but below The Spacktardis and an appearance from "The Good Doctor", which is used only when ASCUK forum staff come under attack - the most serious of events.
Owing to its devastating potential, various protocols and arcane rites are usually observed before the sounding of Der Uber Spackerhorn. First of all, the Supplicants of Spack retrieve the sacred tome of MLAR from the Temple of Deacon in order to recite the sacred litany. All of these must be correct before the horn itself is activated. The rites of invocation are thus:
"Sound the Great Horn Once!
Push the Lever forward to engage the
Piston and Pump...
MMMMNNNHHHHH!!! [First sounding]
Sound the Great Horn Twice! With Push of Button fire the Engine and spark the Spacktardis into life...
MLLLLLAAARRRRRR!!! [Second sounding]
Sound the Great Horn Thrice! Sing Praise to the God of All Spackers!"
The third and final sounding is that of Der Uber Spackerhorn itself (pictured above), a devastating MLAR which can be heard on forums up to six servers away.
As with The Spacktardis, the sounding of the great horn is a very serious business and not taken lightly. Whilst it is not the sole responsibility of the ASCUK moderation and admin teams, it is suggested that only they, and experienced forum members with a knowledge of spackery in all its forms and guises even consider invoking the sacred rites. Misuse of Der Uber Spackerhorn is an act punishable by HOL.
Examples
Correct use of Der UBER Spackerhorn, incorporating the conventions listed above:
