The Spacktardis
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The Spacktardis
Origins
Whilst no-one is 100% sure of the origins of this famed conveyance, its most popular manifestation (pictured) can be attributed to forum Supermoderator Demoncase. The Spacktardis (a simple portmanteau of 'Spacker' and' TARDIS' resulting in a play on the word "Spacktard"), is one of many bi-products of ASCUK spacker-bating; such as 'Spackahol', 'The Good Ship Mickey's', 'The BB on a Stick' and other phenomena. Whether cited alone or combined, these staples of forum culture are used to highlight behaviour ranging from base silliness, to full-frothing mongery. The Spacktardis is often only used in the most dire of circumstances.
Characteristics
Essence and Form:
The Spacktardis is an obvious visual and metaphorical parody of the TARDIS (an acronym of Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space) from the popular BBC science fiction series Doctor Who. Just as the Tardis conveys the legendary Time Lord from place to place, The Spacktardis can also appear without warning, yet carries with it an abundantly clear message targeted at the intended recipient, voiced by the person of 'The Good Doctor' emerging from the doorway:
"Oh Noes!11! iT Am teh half T3rm and teh MoDs am NaZi Bumboys!!! Off 2 Mickeyz I goes!111"
This choice prose is intended as a parody of the "protests" of certain forum members (lampooned as schoolchildren with poor literacy skills), who take objection to the methods by which ASCUK is run by forum staff. The mention of "Mickeyz" as a place of refuge for targets of The Spacktardis is a reference to "t'other forum", with which ASCUK shares a long and complicated history of a less than favourable nature. Much of the humour in this derives from the insinuation that t'other forum is more "welcoming" of moronic behaviour than ASCUK. Finally, the rather unsettled expression on The Good Doctor's face is a perfect indication of what one expects such disenfranchised individuals to look like in mid-froth before their ejection from the forums.
Fuel Source:
The Spacktardis itself is powered by the self-importance of those who ride in it. According to Demoncase:
"Since each individual Spacker disappears up their own arse, each of the creates it's own self sustaining singularity of spacktacular energy. The containment field within the Spacktardis allows us to contain even supercritical levels of spackerism before they punch a hole in the skein of space/time and create a endlessly sucking quantum object known as a 'Mickeys'."
Raison d'etre
Demoncase further states that the key purpose of the Spacktardis is thus:
1. A device which would somehow remove all the spackers to another point in space and time.
2. A place in which the many, many spackers could could fit without taking up any space in the universe inhabited by the sane.
"We did experiment with more mundane SpackaWagon and similar, until I hit upon the concept of the SpackTardis which would deliver all of the above- due to the well known properties of the Tardis, the result is much 'spackier on the inside and contains more spackers than you can imagine'.
It seemed only logical that it be helmed by the fruity voiced 4th Doctor, Tom Baker, with the added 'spackerism'."
Application
Consequently, the use of the Spacktardis is reserved for those occasions when members of the ASCUK Moderation and Admin teams are specifically charged with poor running of the forum. Such accusations range from over-zealous moderation of topics and posts, to rudeness (mostly unsubstantiated), to blanket charges of "power abuse" and "Nazism". The serious nature of these incidents is such that The First Arrival of the Spacktardis is a specific event on the Spacker Alert Chart; associated with Alert Status PLUM.
Whilst through the medium of teh Internets it is possible for any forum member to deploy The Spacktardis, forum convention suggests that it be the sole responsibility of the Moderation and Admin teams. The fact that The Spacktardis is a tool specifically intended to counter attacks on ASCUK staff supports this premise. (It is worth noting that the Spackerhorn is open to all, and its use encouraged in the correct circumstances.)
The New Millennium
After developing its own distinct fan base, the Spacktardis has prompted a few community tributes, such as the one pictured below. Describing his creation as The Spacktardis updated for 2007, forum member LT has portrayed The Good Doctor as having the visage of none other than Joey Deacon - a fitting edit when one considers the purpose of the arcane machine. This was an understandable move, as whilst Joey Deacon's visage is more amusing than that of David Tennant's, nothing can match the sheer hilarity of Tom Baker's multi-faceted mug. Whether this or the original Spacktardis is deployed in times of need is at the whim of ASCUK staff themselves.
Examples
Correct use of The Spacktardis, incorporating the conventions listed above:
